Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Confronting a Phobia

I finally went to see King Kong. For normal people, that film was a three hour ride with a giant ape. To me, it was a confrontation with one of my greatest phobias. I can't even bear to look at those inflatable apes at video store openings. Nothing paralyzes me with fear like King Kong, except maybe clowns.

"Mom" my precious boy kept asking during the movie, "You okay? Need a cold towel?"

"No, no, I'm fine, sweetie," I assured him, "it's just a movie."

Of course I need a cold towel, I thought. I'm sweating a puddle, I just pee'd my chair and I need to throw up, but I'm not going to tell you because you are eleven years old!

"You don't look so good," he said.

"It's the light. All that green hue from dinosaurs."

I'm fine. Really, I can do this, I told myself. I am not too dysfunctional and narcissistic to sit through computer animation even if it is sheer terror. I will not cling to unreasonable childhood nightmares no matter how often I wet the bed. I am an adult.

"Oh my gosh! Don't look, son!" I shielded his eyes.

"What? Mom, move your hands. You're getting mustard in my eyes."

"I can't, son. There's porn in this movie. It's vulgar and we're leaving. Just stand up and keep your eyes closed. I'll guide you out."

"Mom, there is no porn in this movie. Please uncover my eyes."

"Honey, there are giant penises with razor sharp teeth attacking people. One just bit somebody's head off. Why it isn't circumcised in not our concern. Maybe it's for dramatic effect. But it's still death by penis and we are not watching it."

"Lady!" the guy in front of me scowled, "Give the kid a break, will ya!"

"Sir," I scolded him gently, "I'm his mother. Stay out this."

"Ma'am," his wife whispered, "Those are leeches."

Payback is hell. I never should have mentioned the marble statue and the Twinkie wrapper.


Anonymous said...

my wife is as scared of garden gnomes be it blowup, bobblehead or ceramic lawn

Alicia said...

You're a riot!

Anonymous said...

when i first read this, i honestly thought..wtf??

its like, halfway between being a dreadfully true story and some overdone fetish flick. no offense, MaryAn! ;)

"All creatures feel fear. Especially the scary ones." ~excerpt, Batman Begins~

one day at a time.

MaryAn Batchellor said...

So, Sol, that would make me a scary creature. Hmm.. maybe I should write horror scripts. I foresee a new adventure on the horizon. Wait. Is "foresee" a word? Cuz, it has a dirty sound to it....

See what that ONE censorship did? I can't get my mind out of the gutter!

Anonymous said...


Okay..tell you what..why not write a really sleazy script

..give the censors a run for their money!! ::grins stupidly::

MaryAn Batchellor said...

If I tried to write sleaze, it would wind up being the single worst written lame-o screenplay in the history of newbie stupidity. A ten year old can come up with filthier stuff than I can. I think words "cushion" sound dirty.

Anonymous said...

::roars with laughter::

u r so funny! really