Now Playing in the Pons Region of Your Brain Stem

The internet was abuzz this week with grim predictions by Steven Spielberg and George Lucas for the future of film. Basically, it sounds as if each new swollen-budgeted blockbuster is contributing to a sort of entertainment global warming that will one day result in changes to the whole magnetic force of the movie industry. We're in the ice age and a melt-down is coming.

"You're at the point right now where a studio would rather invest $250 million in one film for a real shot at the brass ring than make a whole bunch of really interesting, deeply personal -- and even maybe historical -- projects that may get lost in the shuffle because there's only 24 hours. There's going to be an implosion where three or four or maybe even half a dozen of these mega-budgeted movies are going to go crashing into the ground, and that's going to change the paradigm again." Steven Spielberg

The cinema system as we know it would be transformed into a costly behemoth of an outing and in its place will rise on-demand television and internet films.

"You're going to end up with fewer theaters, bigger theaters with a lot of nice things. Going to the movies will cost $50 or $100 or $150, like what Broadway costs today, or a football game. It'll be an expensive thing. ... [Movies] will sit in the theaters for a year, like a Broadway show does. That will be called the "movie" business." George Lucas

Critics are already crying foul and saying that such a catastrophic implosion could not possibly occur in a single season but those of us not close enough to the economics of the industry are left to wonder.

Films, regardless of where they are shown and how they are funded, still must be written so our pens are not likely to become T-Rexes any time soon. But for the those of us who have only recently come to the realization that if we want to write films, we probably need to make them, too, this could be a game changer. What happens to independent film? Where do the art house theaters go?

Well, here's one place. How about your BRAIN.

The two film giants go on to make predictions about video games being more character driven and some sort of dream creating gadget where people can control what they see in their minds when they sleep. Maybe that's the future of the writer's the pen? Writing people's fantasies. Oh wait. I thought that's what screenwriters already did. I guess now the movies will be in the mind instead of on the big screen.

What I find kind of amusing about the whole "watch your own story in your dreams" thing is that writers have been seeing their own movies in their sleep for as long there has been pencil and paper so  I guess it's about time technology caught up.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

If you don't get that title, don't worry about it. You're young and you won't get my other references in this post either. You probably ought to just move along or get a pencil and be prepared to write down the stuff you'll need to Google.

So here's the break-up. Sort of. It's with Dexter Morgan. Oh yeah. I'm genuinely concerned divorce is on the horizon.

My affair with the Showtime series, Dexter, began when friends kept telling me it was some of the strongest writing on television. I was eventually forced to succumb to peer pressure and experience this phenomenon for myself just so I could participate in the myriad of conversations about theme and character complexities and sub-plots and sub-sub plots and sub-sub-sub plots.

For six seasons, I have been hooked -- hanging on every episode and watching each one several times to make sure I don't miss anything. Yup. A hopeless Dexter-holic. That show was the television writing love of my life. I thought it was flawless. Even when I found a flaw and had one of my lovers' spats with the show, that flaw was explained in a later episode and I was forced to kiss and make up out of sheer awe.

Our relationship was perfect.

But it was too good to last. With the show's final two seasons ahead of us, the romance is over. I'm now stuck in a loveless marriage with this show -- with Dexter. I watch now because I must, not because I want to. I am bound to this show because of unanswered questions and possibilities that I cannot risk missing. But the thrill is gone

WHY??? 

I want to be in love again!

Maybe my fellow viewers aren't there with me but it feels kind of like when Mulder and Scully became a couple on The X-Files and that sexual tension was over. I was over, too. Same think happened on Mork and Mindy, Moonlighting, Boy Meets World, and an abundance of other shows where the chemistry just petered out for me.

Welp. Back to Dexter. What happened here was not sexual tension released when the principals became a couple, but tension that was released when the principals were no longer facing each other from opposite sides of a cavernous gap of a secret. I won't explain the secret (no spoilers here) but if you watch the show you know which wall was torn down. That conflict, once resolved, left me without an ever-present conflict on the back burner, simmering, waiting to erupt and keeping me fearful, excited, and expectant at all times.

Or, there's another possibility. Maybe the show has run its course as all shows eventually do. Maybe I'm burned out the same way you get burned out on a favorite song you've heard one too many times. It's sad when your heart no longer flutters at the sound of the opening instrumentals. 

Journey - Don't Stop Believin'. 

I rest my case.

So, what's the solution here? The writing on Dexter is still solid but instead of the giant claw gripping my chest week after week, year after year, I'm being swatted at by a bunch of little claws. They're thrashing aimlessly at me hoping they'll land one good slap. 

Yeah, "breaking up is hard to do" so not much choice here but to fall back on that favorite song that says "don't stop believin', hold on to that feelin'" and then hope against hope that Dexter and I kiss and make up on Episode 8.

A "Pen"ny for His Thoughts

Worst blog title EVER so I just broke rule number eleven on the list that I am begging you to read. Go right now and read "Pen's 10 Secrets to Writing Success" by Pen Densham, screenwriter and producer of all kinds of ridiculously awesome awesomeness. Seriously. Go read it now. While I wait, I'll listen to this:

This is the overture that made me fall in love Michael Kamen (because until Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, all I knew of his music was Die Hard and Lethal Weapon) and introduced me to Pen Densham. Say what you will about Kevin Costner's performance, everything else in this film was and still is, to me, utter perfection. I doubt many film intellectuals agree with me but they don't really count, do they? The wallet of the viewer speaks louder than the voice of the critic and twenty-one years later, the son who made me take him to see Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves six times in the theater, frequently asks if "something vexes thee?" If a kid quotes your film for twenty-one years, you've probably made an impact.

So read Pen Densham's list (because I know you didn't go do it when I told you to) and consider buying his new book, Riding the Alligator; Strategies for a Career in Screenplay Writing. The man knows a thing or two about story crafting. There is a link at http://www.ridingthealligator.com/ that allows you to download a free chapter. I bought the book on my eReader.

Now, even though Pen Densham's writing and producing credits amount to a lot more than this one film, merely discussing him makes me want to go right this minute and watch Alan Rickman cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans and call of Christmas.

What Your Characters Want

You're safe. No Spice Girls references ahead.

Instead of feeling like I had found a golden ticket when I ran across this gem at Script about creating characters that actors will want to play, a writing fog lifted and I realized that this was something I already knew, something I had heard before, and something that shines a harsh light on the wrinkles in my writing complexion.

I hate wrinkles.

The Script article challenges writers to know their characters beyond the adjectives we use to describe them and suggests that characteristics do not define character because characters are, themselves, an action verb. While the analogy doesn't work for me (adjectives describe nouns, not verbs), the point being made does. Characters are not a handful of descriptions.  Those are characteristics. Who characters are is demonstrated by what they want more than anything --- at that particular moment.

In this Wordplay column, Situation-Based Writing, Terry Rossio explains it this way, "Circumstances come from the world and impose onto characters from the outside, so to speak. Character wants come from inside the characters and push out at the world." He also says that once you know a character's "want", the situation exists. Be sure you read the entire column because he first discusses creating situations and how situation relates to character by being (1) immediate - somebody wants something or will be forced to want something right now and (2) imperative - somebody wants something badly.

Unknown Screenwriter once advised me to know the basic wants of each character before I ever put my fingers on the keyboard so their behavior in their circumstances will be consistent and logical, regardless of the situation. See what he did there? He, too, tied situation to character.

Our screenplays should reveal character by the characters' pursuits of what they want. In this way, there is no need to ever create a scene for the sole purpose of establishing character. Furthermore, in every single scene, somebody should want something.

So I ask you --  do you know in every scene what every character wants?

Reading through my Nicholl submission (just a few more days before the deadline), I am not only looking for typographical errors but I am also checking each scene to see if I've made it clear to the audience what my characters want. I know what my characters want but will a reader?

I hate wrinkles.

Destiny's Merry Pranks

Weirdest spring ever.

In "All About Eve", Margo Channing refers to running out of gas as one of destiny's merry pranks. She has no idea that the reason she's missing a curtain call is because her friend drained the gas tank to teach her a lesson in humility. My little town has suffered a bizarre series of misfortunes and every time I receive another blow of bad news, that line is the one I hear and Margo Channing's image, swaddled in her fur and puffing on a cigarette, is the one I see.

Yup, my little town has been the butt of many of destiny's merry little pranks.

What's that you say? Mrs. Cunningham crashed her Buick into the Piggly Wiggly and landed in the deli? One of destiny's merry pranks.

I only wish the blows had been that funny. Oh, and that we had a Piggly Wiggly since neither my Brookshires or Walmart carries fresh spinach. Plus, it's fun to say Piggly Wiggly.

Say it with me.

Piggly Wiggly.

Piggly Wiggly.

Piggly Wiggly.

Now, wasn't that fun? No? Well, you didn't say out loud, did you?

Okay, actually the first gigantic prank played on my town WAS kind of funny. A pipe broke in the ceiling at the high school and flooded the building for hours and hours and hours before it was noticed. The school sat in three feet of water and the district incurred millions of dollars in building and equipment damage. That part wasn't funny but the videos of the high school seniors on their second spring break are genius -- music videos, message videos, art projects, photo journals -- loads of fun. These kids made great use of their free time while other grades had to attend classes in the gymnasium and makeshift classrooms because it was the week of STAAR (State of Texas Assessments of Academic Readiness) tests. 

Next prank, a tornado. Not just ONE tornado but TWO. An FE3 tornado that wiped out multitudes of homes, hit the OTHER high school and took out an elementary school (I think the school district has a target on its back), and its baby brother tornado that simultaneously hit our downtown area. Seriously. Two tornadoes at the same time. One small town. Ouch.

The next pranks? Too painful to even call pranks. They were tragedies. Tragedy after tragedy after tragedy. A motorcycle accident. A four wheeler accident. A teenage suicide. People we know. People we loved. People who mattered to the community. Loss of life in the most horrible ways.

I know. Loss of life happens. Accidents happen. Crime happens. Tornadoes happen. (but in Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly ever happen) This is the world we live in. But I don't like it.

Perhaps one of the things that makes writing so attractive to writers is that we have absolute control over destiny's merry pranks. We are the creators and the manipulators of our own universes and destiny plays no merry pranks lest we author them. Fate has no power over us. Karma is our slave.

It's therapeutic, don't you think?

As for destiny's merry pranks played on my little town, I blame myself. I should never have started watching "Murder, She Wrote" on Netflex streaming video.

Around the World in Screenplays

Check out this map of Nicholl applicants that shows how many entries have been submitted from which parts of the world so far. Fascinating. Of course, it is no big surprise that California has the most screenplays sent in from any area but at the time of this post, there are six from Thailand and eleven from Ireland. How cool is that? They've come from India, Iran, France, Brazil and Argentina. Get crackin', Wyoming and Arkansas! Right now you have big fat zeros and you look like slackers!

And We Have a Winner

Not quite. But at least I do know which screenplay I shall devote the next 29 days, 8 hours, 31 minutes and 42 seconds to. You know what I mean. Yes you do. Rewriting and polishing for the Nicholl. Well, now it's 25 seconds. 23. 22. 21. You get the idea. I have one major character arrival issue and several minor cleanup things that I'm undecided about but my biggest problem is proofreading. My screenplay is littered with typos and I have blinders on. When I quit sweating the small stuff and concentrated on story, I didn't intend to forget the small stuff altogether.

Sticks and Stones

People can be nasty. I wish I could say I have not learned this first hand in dealing with friends, co-workers, other writers, neighbors, strangers, even people at my own church. It's in our natures. If you think differently from somebody else and have the backbone to express it in verbal or written form, you're opening yourself up to criticism. That's the way of the world and why writers are some of the most courageous people I know.

I am, however, Pollyanna enough to believe that professional courtesy is still king among writers and will reign at times when it matters the most but bottom line, if you're a writer, sooner or later some other writer will read you with scorn, jealousy, disdain, resentment or disgust. I just hope when it happens to me, it's not one of my idols.

The 30 Harshest Author-on-Author Insults in History

Tips for Know-It-All Screenwriters

Over at Quora.com, the question comes up "What are some common mistakes that first-time screenwriters make?" I'm not sure what a "first-time" screenwriter is or who even answered the question. I don't even know what Quora is! But the reply is concise and it fits beginners, many unproduced writers and some of us wannabes that are just plain arrogant. I'm guilty of all six of these mistakes at one time or another, the last one recently:

• The writer doesn't rewrite. Most first timers think their first draft is "good enough."
• The writer doesn't listen to notes. Most first time writers aren't willing to listen to honest criticism. They just want to be told that their script is great. This is why most professional screenwriters refuse to read first time scribes.
• The writer hopes his/her first screenplay will be a winner. It takes thousands of hours and years of hard work to learn the craft of screenwriting. Everyone's first screenplay...well, sucks. Have you heard a story of someone's first screenplay, one they dashed off in "21 days," selling for millions? Sure you have. Hollywood is full of stories
• The CHARACTERS are weak. More than any other specific flaw, first time screenplays have weak, underdeveloped, ill-motivated characters. Protagonists are passive. Antagonists are cliches. Supporting characters have no complexity. It is difficult to see what any of the characters' objectives are or why we should care about them.
• The stories lack TENSION. The first rule of screenwriting/filmmaking is "keep them in their seats." This means keeping the audience's attention, through the emotions of hope and fear, focused on what will happen in the future. Most first time screenplays get muddled and lose tension; and then the reader tosses the script aside, not caring how it will turn out in the end.
• Too much focus on "idea" and not "execution." Most first time writers think they have a "brilliant idea for a movie" and take a half-assed shot at writing the screenplay. If there is one consistent lesson to be learned on Quora, whether about startups or screenwriting, it is that "your idea means nothing." This isn't exactly true, but it's mostly true.

Rewrite Stage Fright

And it's that time of the year again again again again again. So soon? You betcha. Time to finish writing and rewriting and figure out whether we have anything worth submitting to the Don and Gee Nicholl Fellowships in Screenwriting Competition. Now, a few short years ago, this is what I lived for but I am becoming what horse folk call "long in the tooth" and my word slinger aptitude may be eroding faster than my vision. But, how would I know? There is no annual exam for creativity and screenwriting skills.

Come to think of it, even if there WAS an exam, I would have passed it in my youth and nobody would make me take it again, would they? WOULD they? I mean, they don't make senior adults retake driver tests.

Nope.

Not even if they're 95 years old and can't read the street signs.

Or reach the steering wheel.

While sitting on 1979 phone books.

I think we have our answer.

A Stupid Way to Fix Your Plot

Ever tire of watching the damsel in distress trip over her own feet while she's running from a guy with a machete? Well that's the first thing that came to mind when I saw Bill Martell's screenwriting tip today and it's the scene in my head every time I read a screenplay that relies on the stupidity of the good guy to set up a story or the stupidity of the bad guy to bring down the story. And happy coincidence? Rarely leaves me warm and fuzzy. Read "Dumbest Guy in the Room" today on Bill's Script Secrets site. If not, then at least read this quote:

If you have to make your protagonist or antagonist do something stupid to make your plot work, you're better off fixing your plot. Bill Martell

I Theme, You Theme, We All Theme

Watching the Golden Globes last night I realized that even though I saw a lot of films in 2011, I have plenty more to see before Oscar nominations are announced January 24th. Oh sure, I can catch up before February 26th when those naked golden men are handed out but it looks like I have missed out on another kind of golden award --- an opportunity that I didn't think about until I realized just how many films I saw in 2011.

I was looking over my own screenplay yesterday and feeling rather smug about my theme and I got to thinking about what the themes have been of films I've seen this year. Some were memorable because they were either that well done or were my favorite films. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, for example, had a clear theme of redemption and atonement and even though critics didn't rave about this movie, it was my favorite of all the POTC films for one reason: the theme.

I really wish I had taken the time to think about and write down my personal take on the theme of each film I saw in 2011 while it was fresh in my viewing memory. Why? To ask my self, "what was the writer trying to say? Did he get to say it? Did it get lost in production?"

I'm not suggesting that theme should be in your face or that as screenwriters, we should consider every film a homework exercise but since theme is something I've been focusing on as a writer, it sure does seem like a no-brainer that I would have been paying more attention to it as a viewer. Sometimes, I just don't want to be a writer when I'm sitting with popcorn in my lap.

So, here's my proposal. I'm going through my list and trying to figure out the themes of the following films and your thoughts are welcome, solicited, and appreciated. (I did not include any 2011 films that I've seen in 2012 and yes Joyful Noise was seen in 2011, not 2012, because I was in the test audience.)

Oh, and before you start, I should warn you. When my brother was looking for a job, he moved in with me for the better part of 2011 and we had "bad movie days" where we purposely went and saw movies that we knew were terrible. Why? Same reason you slow down when you pass a car accident. (that explains "Drive Angry") And sometimes I take my nieces and nephews to kids' movies... and sometimes I go without them.

Okay, so you're giving me your input on theme. Ready? Go!

Arthur

Battle: Los Angeles

Captain America

Cars 2

Cowboys and Aliens

Crazy, Stupid, Love

Drive Angry

Gnomeo & Juliet

Green Lantern

I Am Number Four

J. Edgar

Joyful Noise

Just Go With It

Limitless

Midnight In Paris

No Strings Attached

Rango

The Big Year

The Green Hornet

The Help

The King’s Speech

The Rum Diary

Thor

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Mister Popper’s Penguins

MoneyBall

Our Idiot Brother

Paul

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Rio

Season of the Witch

Super 8

There Be Dragons

Unknown

Xmen: First Class

Zookeeper

Challenge Accepted

Nope. I don't blog much anymore. I've fallen prey to the ease of social networks, my small in-home business, and writing schedule. Alas, nothing lasts forever. Or, it does but evolves?

Anyway...

Brett threw down a brass fastener or whatever it is screenwriters throw down to challenge one another (it's certainly not a gauntlet or a glove) and dared us to post the first ten verbs from our current projects. This is designed to give us a spark, kindle, or whatever kind of slap upside the keyboard we need to prevent apathy in our verb writing so here goes:

REFLECT

BARNGATES

SPOTS

SCRAMBLE

CUTS

ROCKETS

BUST

SAYS

EXPOSE

SLOSHES

Ouch. Work to be done. Next!

The Incredible Disappearing Theme

One of my all time favorite lines comes from Sunset Boulevard. Betty Schaefer tells Joe Gillis that his screenplay is no good and explains that she believes pictures should say a little something. I, too, believe films should say a little something. Why else do we write? Because we have something to say.

Choose a film. Gone with the Wind. What does it say? A Beautiful Mind. What does it say? Ever see a film that doesn't say anything at all? Or maybe it said something but it was so vague or heavy handed or buried in explosions and car chases that you didn't hear what it was saying? Was that film any good? Yes? No? Maybe? Sort of?

Don't get me wrong. I am NOT pitching heavy handed message films. Recently I saw a comedy that was so beaten up by the message that it ruined what could have been a delightful film. Instead it was a mean spirited dismal mess. At one point in the film, my brother and I looked at each other and both asked the exact same question at the exact same time about the hero's journey. Not good.

On the other side of the coin, I took my son to a different film (which either lacked theme or I missed it) and as we left the theater, my 17 year old's comment was "well, that was pointless".

Often, when asked what a story is about, a writer will immediately mention the theme. That's because usually we writers are so anxious to get our points (message) across. Let's use It's A Wonderful Life as an example. Suppose I'm pitching it and I'm asked what it's about. I might say it's about how a man's humble life makes a gigantic difference to a great many people even though he believes his life was wasted . Pffft. Noooooo. That's the "say a little something" Betty Schaefer was talking about. That's not the story. The producer doesn't want to know what I have to say. He wants to know how I'm going to say it. A man thinking about suicide meets an angel and gets to see what the world would be like if he never existed. That's the story. Through that story I get to say that every life, no matter how seemingly thankless and without glory, has a butterfly effect on the world. That's the "say a little something".

Writers write theme. Writers teach theme. Writers study theme. Writers explore theme. Writers talk about theme. Writers overlap and combine themes. Some writers even confuse theme with tone when discussing theme but hey, I split infinitives now and then. Nobody's perfect. The point is that writers love theme! I know they write it. I know they do.

Yes, films need more than story and theme but I'm not on characters, timing, structure and all that other stuff today. I have a soap box to get on and there's a huge bottle of whine to go with my cheese sandwich. A big fat bone needs picking and I intend to pick it right here and right now.

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Okay. All done.

This Is The Part Where We Blow Up!

Remember that? Buzz and Woody are strapped to a rocket and Woody thinks they're about to be blown to smithereens. And remember what Buzz Lightyear replies to Woody's wailing "this is the part where we blow up" line? NOT TODAY! Buzz has a plan. It's a great plan with a logical and attainable conclusion.

I need a Buzz Lightyear and instead I get the truth. What is the truth? Simply, that nobody will negate your anticipation of failure with a NOT TODAY and show you how to glide effortlessly from certain demise to your heart's desire. It just doesn't work that way.

Darn it.

Daring to Disbelieve

One of the latest posted Nicholl review comments:

“This is a simple story, fast-paced, entertaining, and a good read. The writer is capable and assured. Even when the story takes a loopy turn (or two), the writer presents these events so confidently and matter-of-factly that it's almost like he's daring us to doubt what we're being told.”

What I love is that this remark speaks of a writing style I particularly admire. This is a writer who knows his story so well that he simply watches it in his head and dictates that onto paper. He knows his characters. He knows their back stories. He's telling us just enough but if you asked, he could elaborate. There's just no need to. He doesn't worry about suspending disbelief or flowery prose because the story is what it is. He's not making it up as he goes along. It's a "this is my story and I'm sticking to it" style of writing. Wish I could read this screenplay!

A Level of Suckage That's Not Negotiable

Creative Screenwriting's podcast this week is with Jay and Mark Duplass about Cyrus. Funny stuff. Give it a listen. The best remarks are about the evolution of their creativity. My favorite line: a level of suckage that's not negotiable. Ha! That's what I think when I read things I wrote two and three years ago. Also, digital versions of Creative Screenwriting are now available. That's a temporary link until they get a permanent place.

Tell Me Something Good

I've often been told by other writers that the prevailing theme will reveal itself as the story progresses . Admittedly, I don't like to write unless I have something to say. Now and then that "something" will reproduce and give me a secondary "something" or morph into "something" entirely different. It may even experience a sort of thematic mitosis where the parent "something" splits into two equally important "something"s and I'm left deciding whether both "something"s are still a single story or two --- which is why I don't really believe that much in writer's block. There are just way too many "something"s duking it out in my head. And I'm terribly sorry but right now, the something is this:

A Diamond Lasts Forever

Old films make me smile and even though film making has evolved, many old movies endure and are current despite the passage of time.

Case in point: Mildred Pierce starring Joan Crawford. So somebody uses a rotary phone instead of a cell phone. Big deal. The situational conflicts are timeless. Mildred indulges her spoiled child to the point of excess and then ultimately, destruction. I see parents every day over-indulging disrespectful unappreciative kids. I know a lady who can't pay her utilities but her 12 year old daughter gets her hair colored and cut, her nails done, and her eyebrows waxed every month. Just yesterday, the parents spent their grocery money to get the girl her third new cell phone since Christmas. "What am I supposed to do?" asked the mother, "It wasn't her fault somebody spilled a drink on her phone and she's got to be able to call me because we can't afford a house phone."

On the flip side, when I was watching The Damned Don't Cry, another Joan Crawford film, I was struck by the opposite. The film doesn't translate today and it's not the lack of 3D or CGI. The gold digging seducer is unconvincing and the gangster element is even less believable for today's audience. I am unable to overlook the dated cars, guns, and phones the way I do in films like Mildred Pierce, Sunset Boulevard, and All About Eve. Everything about The Damned Don't Cry has me stuck in 1950 and the dialogue bounces between stale and on-the-nose to somebody-please-make-it-stop. The bloodless acrobatic shootings don't even render a bullet hole and remind me of Bugs Bunny saying "you got me, Doc, you got me." Part of my reaction may have been brought about by my recent viewing of Johnny Depp's Public Enemies. In fairness, there is no comparison. But the point is that The Damned Don't Cry was probably a great film in its day. Today is no longer that day.

A lot has changed in 60 years. But, a lot has not. Those films that capture the "a lot has not" are timeless and have eternal themes. They are the ones that have sipped from the cinematic fountain of youth.

Can You Drive My Car?

Perhaps it was the reports of the death of Mystery Man on Film, I don't really know, but whatever the reason, I got a bee in my bonnet and decided to start reading more screenplays from aspiring screenwriters. Zoetrope and Triggerstreet are places I don't frequent much but they're a good place to go read what other wannabes are writing. I usually take the time to read the screenplays people email me (heh, as if I know anything) but I thought I'd take it a step further. So, I looked at some scripts being "workshopped".

O. M. G.

About 99 % of my time and oxygen would have been better spent teaching my dog how to use a stick shift. He already believes he's the one driving the car anyway. He sits on the arm rest, looks over the windshield, observes passersby and barks at anything red: stop signs, cars, school uniforms. The only time he takes his eyes off the road is to lick himself.

But I digress.

There are, of course, a few gems worth reading and those exceptions are why the goal of the Nicholl Fellowship is to identify and nurture the screenwriting skills of talented writers. But most of us need a reality check. So here it is. Most wannabe screenwriters:

• Cannot write a complete sentence
• Have no storytelling skills
• Don't understand screenplay structures
• Wouldn't know a theme if it was tattooed on their butts
• Have a better chance at winning American Idol than being produced
• Don't have a decent command of the English language
• Have no idea what's behind the door they're knocking on
• Think all pronouns are possessive
• Actually want fame instead of a writing career
• Do not know the difference between "effect" and "affect"
• Are under the mistaken impression that screenwriters get wealthy
• Have never heard of a misplaced modifier or split infinitive
• Believe that they are the exception to every bullet on this list
  

Here's the brutal truth. Most of us can't write. I'm sorry but it's true. If screenwriting is a hobby, have fun. But stop whining about not getting produced. Most of us have no business even attempting to write screenplays and quite frankly, the movie industry doesn't want us right now anyway. The only films being distributed right now are proven commodities, sequels, prequels, re-do's, CGI's and those distributions necessitated by nepotism.

We think because we can use screenwriting software or self publish, that makes us writers. It does not. It makes us people using screenwriting software and self publishing. We think because we go to film festivals and shake hands with produced screenwriters and film executives that they are now our friends. They are not. They are people who shook a few hands. We think because a few indie producers are polite to us or we advanced in an obscure screenwriting competition run out of somebody's garage that we have a shot at making real industry contacts. We do not. We are people that found a sympathetic ear or a hungry wallet.

Wake up, schmuck. You are not a writer.

If you are the exception to those bullets, good for you. If you are not -- and make no mistake about it, most of us are not -- stop throwing your money away on gurus, books, online gimmicks and contests. You may learn formatting and structure but nobody can teach you creativity. Nobody can make you something you are not naturally inclined to be.

I'm sorry. I really am. But this is the truth. You can't write. Have you already given five or ten years of genuine effort to screenwriting with no results? Then get out. Find something fun or meaningful and go after it.

Life is short. There is more to it than screenwriting UNLESS you know know know know know that you're the exception. But remember this: my dog knows he's the one driving my car.

P.S. -- about 53-ish days before Nicholl letters go out.