Friday, November 18, 2005

Mysteries of Life - Squirrels on Crack

If this is an urban legend, I sure wish I'd been the one to start it. I've scanned newspapers online and am unable to verify, to my own satisfaction, the validity of the story that squirrels in South London are digging up stashes of hidden cocaine in front yards and are becoming addicted to crack.

Now, the first and most important question is: how do you know if these spastic little rodents are on crack? Isn't that like choking a Smurf and waiting for him to turn blue? Squirrels are scary mean little beasts anyway. Oh sure, you think they are sweet bushy little tree dwellers, but try to pet one and you'll draw back a nub!

Second, if the story is true, then why are the reporting authorities being so vague about the identities of witnesses? Quotes are coming from "a neighbor", "an unnamed police officer", "a local backyard wildlife specialist" and an "anonymous gardner"? No witness wants to be quoted pointing an accusing finger at a squirrel? Well, I have some theories on this whole squirrel situation and why witnesses wish to remain anonymous.

Theory Number One - Squirrels are being used as the new weapons of mass destruction. Yup. Al Qaeda has created a whole species of suicide squirrels who are strung out on crack and planting explosive walnuts on subways, in hoods of cars, trash cans, mailboxes and birdhouses.

Theory Number Two - The FBI caught so much grief when those dolphins-packing-heat got loose after New Orleans flooded, that they are now stashing microphones in the bushy tails of squirrels to gather intelligence. The squirrels only appear to be on crack because every time a squirrel relives himself, the little microphones zap his teeny tiny testacles.

Theory Number Three - Tim Burton has something to do with it. I don't know what. My mind doesn't go that dark but you can bet that Johnny Depp is lurking around someplace waiting to be called on the set.

Feel free to dismiss any or all of these theories in whole or in part but if your mailbox explodes and you see Johnny Depp slinking away with an electricuted squirrel under his arm, I'm gonna say "I told you so".

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