Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Humble Again

Okay, Humble, Texas, is this some kind of wicked game you are playing with my feeble mind? If so, as Percival C. McLeach (George C. Scott) said in Rescuers Down Under, my mental faculties are TWICE what yours are, you PEA BRAIN! Love that line. Such a cleverly written accidental self diss. I really want to come up with something like that for my protagonist to say to her love interest in my latest --

Hey! Don't change the subject!

You spent seventy one minutes and thirty seconds reading eighteen pages on this blog yesterday, Humble. Eighteen pages? Yeah, I'd love to believe I'm THAT engaging, THAT informative, THAT valuable to the screenwriters of the blogosphere but even though I managed to get a nifty agent, I am still unproduced, unopted, and about to go back to work full time in local government so don't take me too seriously. I'm an evil she-devil and I really don't know what I'm talking about.

Who are you, Humble? Are you my beloved Aunt Sharon? Gimme a call, Auntie, I never can reach you on your cell phone. Cousin Davy? How's that job hunt going, Dave? Uncle James? Feel okay? Done with chemo?

Who else could it be -- let's see. My high school love is in the Houston area, but he hasn't emailed me since he remarried. Funny how that happens. Is that you, Kevin? I bet you threw my love letters away too, you cad. But, ha! I saved yours, so there!

My cousin, Natalie, works for NASA. That's the other side of the world from Humble. She was a bit of a ditz as a young girl and then one day in high school, everything clicked and she became megabrain! She has a t-shirt that says, "Yes, As a Matter of Fact, I AM a Rocket Scientist!" Gotta love that. I played the flute at her wedding. She didn't ask me to sing. Go figure. I'll have to tell you guys about Natalie sometime. Oh wait. Just did. Ever gonna have kids, Nat? You've been married, what? Five years now!

I digress.

Okay, my long lost brother is in the Richmond/Sugarland vicinity so it's probably not him investigating what kind of person this half sister is who writes, emails and puts a gift under the tree for his son every year despite his apparent desire to have nothing to do with me. Some day, Quentin, I'll give ya a shout out at the Oscars. Guess you'll confess to knowing me then!

So, who are you, Humble?

Are you a stalker? I own a gun. Big one. Can't miss. Okay, yeah, I actually DO miss but if I aim at your feet, I'll most likely hit something vital in your upper hemisphere. Even if I don't, you'll lose a knee cap at the very least.

Are you a producer, Humble? Are you Sandra Bullock? I suck at Rom Coms, Sandy, but -- no, Sandra is in the Smithville area outside Austin. Matthew McConaughey? Meet me in person, dude. I'm not nearly as boring over dinner and I'll do rewrites under the table for free regardless of what WGA says because I'm a team player and because you're hot. Yeah, I know I just told Sandra that I suck writing Rom Coms but aren't you burned out after Failure to Launch?

Fine. I give up, Humble. You've perplexed me. Enjoy the blog.

UPDATE: Okay, Humble, I KNOW you have read this. You JUST spent seventeen minutes and thirteen seconds reading two pages. Yeah, you. I'm talking to you. Just how many people from Humble, Texas do you think come here? All I want to know is who the heck you are! And, if you are a screenwriter. Oh, and if you like me. Hey, do you know my aunt and uncle? Email me! m_batchellor@yahoo.com

7 comments:

Grubber said...

"I'll do rewrites under the table for free"

How could MM refuse THAT offer! :)

cheers
David

oneslackmartian said...

grubber: under the table seems like an uncomfortable place for rewrites.

MB: SiteMeter and similar services sometimes miss their location by a county or two. Might depend where the servers are. I’m not sure what Humble is near, but Humble might not know that he or she is Humble.

Anyhow, that might confound your mystery a bit.

MaryAn Batchellor said...

Maybe. Drat. Okay, so if you are in the Humble/Woodlands AREA, and you spend a lot of time here, EMAIL ME! The controlling, manipulative... er, I mean the CURIOUS me wants to know.

Judah Friedlander said...

hello.
you left me a blog comment a while back. (i'm really unorganized). i don't know when FEAST is coming out - but i've heard rumors about october.
i like your blog.
i did not make out during ice age 2 - but i got laid.
Judah

MaryAn Batchellor said...

So Feast played at a horror festival and so far that's about it? Can't find much online about it. Wish I understood the film industry more but seems like they would have released Feast as soon after Project Greenlight aired as possible to cash in on the heightened interest of viewers. But, what do I know?

gizmorox said...

I saw Feast at the Savannah Film Festival last fall. It kicks ass. I do hope it makes it to theaters and gets its due.

Alan said...

Hi I'm Alan

I live in humble and like you I'm a writer, well when I'm not working full time going to school part time. Interning with the city, playing on the internet, work on other art projects or Karaokeing. I've got the idea of writing a novel about I man who gets in an auto accident as a child and is paralyzed from the waist down. Have about the first page writen. :) Being disabled as a youth myself, it will be semi auto biographical. Anyway I might know you aunt and uncle especially if the pop in at Lloyd’s I don't know everyone there but they all seem to know me. but anyway some of us actually have to do the 9-5 er so I'm late. I'll check back.

Alan
amw3223@yahoo.com