Snake Day

I hate the movie theater. I mean I really, really, hate it. I'd rather have a root canal than endure the unsupervised kids, the cell phones and laser lights, the necking teens, the lack of ushers, the cramped chairs and the overpriced food. I see very few films in the theater. Most movies must wait to get the Batchellor seal of of approval or grunt of dismay until they hit Blockbuster or Netflix. Films are better when I watch them in my den with affordable popcorn and kids whose x-boxes and car keys can be confiscated if they spoil my show.

Last summer, I didn't see a single film in the theater. Not one. But this summer, I had three films that I really wanted to see on the giant screen -- Dead Man's Chest, Superman, and Snakes on a Plane. Even if my big screen television was large enough to do the films justice (which, of course, it's not), I couldn't wait for them to come out on DVD. I had to see them now!

While Superman was a super let down for many, I was not among them at my opening day 12:01 a.m. show of DC comic geeks who had waited years for another man of steel flick. Crowd mentality made up for film shortcomings. They cheered and applauded the film title. Yeah, the film title! And, when Superman did his signature "rip open shirt & reveal logo" move to John Williams' unforgettable theme, these nerds went insane, negating my annoyance with --

* the obese guy rolling onto my drink holder
* the kid kicking my chair
* the putrid smell from vomit or old cheese under my seat
* the urine bag hanging on the wheelchair in front of me
* the eight teens I brought with me
* the $94.50 I spent on tickets

Dead Man's Chest was an even grander adventure as fans arrived in their smashing pirate attire and sporting parrots, monkeys, cutlasses & flintlock pistols. Jack Sparrow (I suspect he was an imposter) got a rowdy standing ovation when he and his double D wench entered the movie theatre fashionably late, but just in time to be revered as if Johnny Depp, himself, had just declared, "why is the rum gone?". Early moments in the film were expectant and tense until Jack Sparrow made his bizarre appearance by shooting through a casket he had just used to escape a Turkish prison. The audience exploded. Elvis was in the building and from that moment on, the ride never lost momentum.

Will Snakes on a Plane live up to the internet hype? I don't see how it can but do I really care as long as it's a great ride? Because of Dead Man's Chest, Superman, and the surprisingly good Monster House, I've actually ENJOYED going to the theater this summer -- and that hasn't happened in a very long time. I don't care how good SOAP is or isn't. I already bought the t-shirt.